Prisxkamuse's Journals

Joyness of you.

I've never met anyone who comes close to you, you dissarm me in way that im addicted to, there you where all that time without me even wondering who you were, it makes me feel like such a fool, it stabbed me in the ass when i first saw you, never seen such mystery, strengh and pressence. I just couldn't stop staring, still i stare, even more than i stared when i met Debbie Harry...An ordinary person with an extraordinary vibe/soul/laugh, u made my world seem ridiculously plain and stupid in a good way, i knew that even the idea of you would give me all the life im suposed to feel, u make me soo nervious, like when i had to see the principal at school, only this time seeing you is only an existencial nightmare, i want to impress you, i want to protect you, i want to understand you..and all i get is a raw feeling of geekness in me. You make this nervious little teenage boy with brases, glasses and ortopedic shoes, u dissarm me. I feel such respect towards you, not because of what you've done or who you are, but for what you meen to me, this exotic and huge creature that has never been seen with my kind of eyes, insanely inlove eyes that is.

From a distance i try to keep cool, it never works,i dream you, i paint you...Just you, i can't seem to help myself, i stand in total sock to all you make me feel, and you don't even know it, or maybe you do..u are so damn brilliant and complex that maybe in a bizzarre reality you know my intentions and feel the same way. Such a puzzle, such mystery, such takes on life you have, such a way of speaking...simply kills me.

I've tryed to get you out in all ways posible, my closest friends are sick of me talking about you and my freeky love for you, ive done art, ive sang songs that i could dedicate you, every stupid teenage boy thing..ive done. I hope i can do it all of my life, maybe one day you'll realize, in the mean time i could easily say i love you.

The kind of person that would never dissapoint me, the kind that gets me of my bum to live, your every perception or taste gives clues and makes me proud, we have so much in comun, i see pain, i guess you can feel it in me too, i also see courage and heart, at the same our jokes get in the way, we both escape and go to a much safer place, the art of avoiding we love.

So many things tell me, help me discover this insanity that overcomes my everyday thoughts, what more can mortal ask but to meet it's match at 20, not giving a crap if my other will ever know or even care.

my bum is all alone, just like Tom Green said.....

Yes i am, yes it is..............alone. I hope that someday i'll find real friends, lovers or just plain quality company. Maybe thats why i hate humas so much, i think they started it by hating me and im the victim! I do so many things to piss people off, most of the time i forget what i did to whom, or even why? But don't get me wrong i havent murdered anybody...yet! Or even stolen someones bf, or even had one to myself. No desent man would be seen with me, and all the nasty girls that used to my friends go away with their bf , or become mothers, or just plain boring! Nobody seems to understand me, my pain, my art, my insane self...but come to think of it that might be the only thing that keeps me going on, knowing im alone, alone in thought, alone in soul, alone in me. I guess i'll always have to be enough to make myself laugh or cry, wich ever the case i'll push myself to live as i can.

So many people have inspired me, songs, films...art. Maybe my real lover is pain, if it wasn't for pain i would be plain. Im a dreamer and when i wake humans awaken me in fear, fear of love...fear of friendship, of screwing up like i always do. So many loves gone to the gutter..all because im nuts u say?

Insane..yes, bitter...a bit..., missunderstud..always, loving someone that will never love me...ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!!!

I'm so hollow and at the same time so full of shit that humans have left in me! Humanity changed me in a way i don't deserve, towards depression..of choice that is.

People think that being a rebel underdog is the easy way to go...they think we have no responsabilities and that we live only to fullfill our own egos, we don't do any of those things, be are.

As simple as that, a man is placed on earth to be, i think most of you have totally forgoten about it, to live, to love and even to die. U want to live with tubes and machines keeping you alive, and us...we die each day trying to awaken a hint of life in all the fucking nutters!!

Just hoping to get the mesage through...i love you.

im sorry so sorry.

My love.

My love is forbiten, my love is overated, my love is dificult, my love is imposible, my love is a stain, my love is poluted, my love is painfull, my love is pure, my love is decadent, my love is FOR YOU. Only you..........................why must you be this way? Why be so cold? why not try harder on the only girl that's put up with everything, the bad and good and has never said no, Maybe thats the problem, humans never know what they have until they can't have it, but what can i do, u will always have me...u know it. I know it, it makes me want to die, when ever u don'Â¿t give me the respect i deserve tiny parts veins dismenber to flood my body in blood, in love....why??' I can't be this way again, i don't even desire other men, u only, for your eyes..the world. It all makes sense when im with you, the first night i spent with you,....i knew..that in between all the mess there we were, and i finally had a place, a man, you....had...i did...now you are so far away from loving me as you are from being yourself. If wishes realy came true, the most popular amongst humans would be..turning back time,.........i wish.....never being such a psycho to you, and live hapily ever after........

..makes you want to cry.

i saw you this morning...you were moving so fast, can't seem to loosen my grip on the past.......but im miss you so much theres no one in sight, and were still making love...in my secret life....i smile when im angry, i cheat and i lie, i'll do what i have to do to get by......but i know what is wrong and i know what is right, and i'd die for the truth....in my secret life, the best Leonard Cohen lyric ever! reminds me of us...of this....fight, this complex and tranquil love. U said that everymorning you make up sad, alone, and wondering why you even bother to live...and still you haven't seen me, i don't count. The sad thing that makes me want to cry is that i too wake up suicidal, alone and sad, and the only thing that makes want to wake up is waiting for your call and hearing that battered smoker voice. I wish i could tell you, im scared....i know i can't, thank god for buzznet journal! So anyway u gave me something precious yesterday...boy did you ever! U finally said "i'm sorry", and offcourse i belived you...more than ever, u finally showed me that weackness that seduces my every blood vesel..every bone..you become an infection to my morbid diathesis......if you could only see i've been right there standing infront of you...in complete surrender , i can only say always..to you, for you, of you...always... i ..my truth, my addiction, my love for pain, my destructive hands, the instant i most tressure, the secrets i bare to live with, the dream, the drama....my love.

NO ME ENSEÑASTES...NO U DIDN'T, NEVER WILL

U never taught me how to be with you, u also forgot to mention what i would do without you.

Now that i ahve part of you, i don't know what to do with it. I don't even think it's worth all the mess, but, is the empty feeling i've been living with better than dealing with you......then man without a heart for himself and others. I saw you last night, the insanity overcomes any other feeling i still have for you,my only one. Have i been wasting my tears for a man that isn't. I bite my lip, being with you makes me even more sad. The space feels crowded and empty at the same time We've done it all, im not ssure if we still have anythign to do, to say, to each other. I've longed for you more than anything. I've dreamed you more than you are. But when i see those eyes i melt, i melt in love, in dissapiontment, i just stre in patience to find anything that might say you love me back. I'm not inlov anymore, but still i love you. I love that we can never be, once we are i get bored and remorsefull.

I feel as if you don't desire me anymore, not like before, she changed you......those eyes that i dreamed for so long. Life works in mysterious wayz, once you think you've lost it, it comes back and bites your butt. Maybe i'm a huge coward, love wize, maybe i never have you stability, or security or even trust...i dont give those away, not even to you, you don't deserve it. No man does. Seriously...it's bitter sweet all i've gone through this past four frustratuing, exausting, demanding years. I've been your plastic toy, you've toyed with everuthig i got. Now that you're back, it all seems too familiar, boring and sad. But then...when i show you to the door, we kisssss....i feel it again, down below...i feel it, all over again, we can't breathe, just feel....is that what keeps you coming back? is it just physical chemistry? combusting bodies? We just suddenly fade into one, why? I'm a lost soul in paradise, in the shape of a muse, hypnotized by welth, with no sense of time or reality. Trapted i sinfull passionate misery, in a one way street, bare foot i see you, you grow distant, you've grown with fear and antii- pation, i i ion the other hand have grown amune to bullshit and men. We are two worlds apart, missunderstud by society, loosing sleep for each toher, strong enoigh to liuve apart, weack and dumb enough to believe, when is our last goodbye?

Maybe i feel sorry for you, sorry that you are blind, sorra that you are desperate, sorry that you are so sad it's funny. I'm confusinf and you are amusing, we used to talk about, talk away, wet till dawn, sex, lies and song, suddenly we belong.You don't care to pay the admission fee to enter my world, you jist burst in like Burt Reynolds on a saudi inrouder, in complete confidence, you are finally, once we are totally alone.

My world comforts you, almost as a marriage is supposed to be, no judgeing, no limits no borders. I'ts been a long time since that, now it's emptyer, you don't want to risk your sanity in reentering my world and actually talikng to me. I on the other hand don't want to hear you so i don't fall again. I'm still fallin.....but i've been saved, i know i am too much fot you and you are too little for me, lets' leave it at "fuck buddies", keepin' it safe and real.

Now i picture myself with a hot artist, tormented, demnted and sexed up...a rockstar..i hope..i wish. Tour together and fuck everywhere. FIRE ON THE DISCO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL! FIRE IN THE GATES OF HELL!

I hate men! u should too!!!

Most of all i hate all those assholes that think that they have the right to insult and abuse women, verbaly or fisicly it makes my gust turn black and want to cut the balls of all of them!! Men have created wars for centurys, men have poluted the waters with crap, when have been controling and puting down their own mother ans wives!

The only men that i can spear from my hatred are artist and offcouer the best fucking men around: THE GAYS! LOVE YOU DARLIMGS! And many of my gay friends have been abused in many diferen and horrible ways by...non other thane men, who also abusetheir own daughters even!! is it me or would the world be better off if we girls took charge and cagged them all and used them only to do labor and sometimes sexx oh wait most of them can't even get it up..or give real pleasure...what do you say girls? i think just the labor work and sperm we would need! Mye hatred for men has been in my life from a very early age, my father has never seen the princess in me. When i saw the movie "the little princess", and it hit me...in the movie the little princess pays...All girls are princeses...to their father. That the only way i think a man is worthy of being a father, treating women wiht respect, love and apreciation, bacause ..hello! who brought them to life? that's a tuff one........My father has never known this, i've told him but he won't listen to a book-allergic, self endolgind, egocentris, dreamer thats he thinks it's me. He has never suported or respected my mother, no fisical violence, but in my word...soemtimes words are even more hurfull than fisical violence. I will always resent him, but i am proud to say i have forgiven him for being all the he can and still not be a father to me.

I hope he forgives for not loving him. And i hope my mom divorses him someday and finds a real man...or a woman, i jsut want her to be happy and the sad thing is women need love to be happy, she has my love...but us girls need also to be inlove, even if it means putting up with abuse..in any form it's wrong! i wan to speack up and tell you men1 i don't need you! i am not afraid of your stupidness and to your unfortune, girls will always be one step ahead..beacuse men are the most predictable creatures on earth! So don't think you surprise us in any way...but hold on to your horses beacuse women will take over someday and u will be in deep shit my friends! I also hate men because they never seem to be saying the whole entire truth..and honesty is the only way this planet will survive, honesty and peace !

And to add a sentimental personal gesture....i also hate you babe, i love but i hate you, i hate that u can't leave all your life for me, i hate that u can0't stop trying to be somebody you are not, i hate you treating me wrong only to scare me off so you can avoid your feeling for me, i hate you because i can't tell you i love, i hate you beacuse u are being a fool and this will bring pain to you once i give up in this love, i hate you because you keep coming back after three years of on and off, tears and fights. I hate you not beingnext to me right now, i hate you because u see this prines but u dont dare to commit to her, i hate you because u are too chicken chit to let your own sweet self be, i hate you bacause you dont talk to me in total honesty, i hate you because you aren't you.......i l....o...v....e...u, because of you, but the hatred doesn't let me fall in love with you again, cuzz baby i am ahead of you and i see you in total freedom and trust, i dont care u are older, i dont care im prettier...i only see you as mine, and i also always see the sadness you left in my eyes ans the pain that surround my entire existance beacuse of your absense.

ps. im a proud feminist by the way.

My pretty pretty.........

U make me soo beautiful, beautiful and pure just like you. The prettiest girl i found wasting away on booz and boys, still she looked beautiful, i saw her while she's was looking at me....we paused....we pondered....we became us. She's 16 and she wants to be just like me...mad..and i....want to be just like her....beautiful. Four days we slept, kept and wept this secret in the back of our minds...this was it. Millions of stares, zillions of beats and most importanly you my sweet sweet inocent girl...you have tasted this vampire, now you have a need, a desire, you imagine fire in this limp cold body of mine...i only see you, you sent from the above just as i had wished for so long. Now that you are here the real world reminds me that maybe we will never be...but by the powers of love and lust we will. Never had somethin so pure and sweet standing right infront of me....behind our clear sparky eyes we meet my sweet. I carryed her when she had too much to drink..then with the moon fool adn the star bright and the sand all over your body...we kisssed....a sandy sweet kiss...then i knew i was for you...and you are already mine....my girl...then..i look in the mirror and repeat to myself: DO NOT FALL FOR A SIXTEEN YEAROLD! over and over i said it, out loud in my head in my dreams..the more i say it..the less i belive it....i can't belive me-...when im with you...i can't belive you...i can't stop looking at you. I feel as i were sixteen like you.....all over again....no fear..no bullshit....just you pretty pretty.... . First thign that came to my mind when we first spoke..and couldn't bare not saying was...MARRY ME! you said....inexplicably...YES!....then when ever i saw you i just had this one thing to say ask scream MARRY ME! you always say yes....the first yes i could ever belive...my teenage heart made a ring for you...made it out of a hair pin and some cake icing, on one knee i studd and asked..the..same...you said yes again...you wore the ring until the ugliest boy arrieved and you suddenly prefered him than me....i knew you would come back...sooner than i thought your crumbling beautiful body came to my rescue poisoned in alcohol, i answered your hug and took you to bed....then i left....offcourse some time after...i called...then you...then i went to steel you from the world, took you to mine....gave you the first flower and only i will ever give...to you....pretty..pretty..whatever you want..me.

With a lily i said be mine forever, im yours, forever.

Ke mas kieres de mi, si ya todo te di,

I give you all...in return what else do you want from me? my life i gave you, just for a little warmth. Yesterday i called you in my mind...you responded as always very tardy, tardy like 4:35 am....i mean what else do you want from me? where do you want to go? everything for what? So then today at a desent hour you call, we ponder.....we ponder......let's do a thresome? yes! But who will the lucky girl be? I mean we are stuck not only in mexico, but in queernavaca, there are no girls that would do that, at least no girl we know would do it....sooo you call every 15 minutes to exchange information and probabilities on who the lucky girl would be..if we find her...people here are so fucking uptight!! And since there are no candidates? what the hell are we goin' to do with this huge hornyness!! shit! todo para ke??? I dont care sharing you...i guess i'm acustumed to it..you've never been only mine, but i've always been yours....you are lucky. So we will wait for nothing, ....... If this werent Mexico and u werent such a perv we would have our desent bisexual call girl but noooooooooooo u cant even have any horny fun in this place, shit!

I'll leave it there, i'll tell you guys later if we found somebody to watch over hhahahhahahahaha nah i'll spill the dirty details later...if any.

the same

I hate being stuck here, shit ! i don't think i can stand this country much longer......i know it's maybe just me overeacting, but anyway....im sick of being stalked, chased and violated. There is no iniciative to do anything in this place, everybody is lazzy and distracted......lazzy mexicans! My years are sliping away, im getting old...i want a change....i want to go far far far away from everythign i know and start all over again, Ozzy and i are probably going to try the waters of NYC! I Madonna did it, why not i? I'm prepaed for the worst and the best, and both.....combusting. How do you live the dream if you don't star it? I 'm being a total woss woss...i have to do somethin quick! I think it's the best thing to do, i will never see him again, well....maybe if he showed up in my NY door with a huge pink diamond ring...then maybe...and offcuore we could have fab phone sex, but that's all babe, this princess is going away and nobody can stop me! All this places had their moments, all berried in my back yard.....i want to go awayyyyyyy leave you, leave your town, your city....yours. I was......but never again, ohhh shit im talking about you again, screw you..im gonna sop wrting this, and please babe stop controling my thoughtssss jesuss crist mary and joseph!

Only you

I know i can't be with you, i will do what i have to do, you can be at peace this girl knows how to let u go..and she will eventually. No actually i don't know how to let you go, i wish i did. I'm still sick of you, you are the sicknes that weackns my knees, my heart, my bum, my mouth my brain. We beacme infected of this toxic tragic love, this love is a strange love....nothin can compare love, what i feel when we touch...suddenly it's too much and i reach for the door only to find you outside smokin' a cig, can i bum one? Years will pass and u and i will never, time stops in mysterious ways, our red eyes touch only to say what we can't...i love you perhaps..if you werent sooo...me...so the same. U traded me for a normal life and i gave u away for a life in general. I hope u are not the one, if soo wha the hell will i do, all this time u don't call, i can smell you and u can still taste me...a week has pased and still, we are in denyal, as always...we are not in love, this can never be....best if we keep a distance..if not...the unmentionable will parrish, it'll be sad and embarrasing and you will never forget. U left me, i never was enterely with you, i didn't want you for ever, u needed me to go....i will dream and u will answer.